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Time For Some Rambling Nonsensica
Jan. 24th, 2010 11:51 amThe terrorism treat level has recently been raised from dime bar to toffee crisp in light of new intelligence indicating that a general election is highly likely in Britain in the coming months.
Sarah's Law may be expanded to allow parents to inform themselves about convicted sex offenders who may come into contact with their children. In a statement to the press, Home Secretary Alan "Communist Party of Great Britain" Johnson said "We are delighted to announce something that presumably should have been done ten years ago if indeed it is anything at all that we are doing which it isn't really but there's a general election in 4 months and recent studies have shown that Britain is full of retarded parents who are too stupid to look after their own kids and need to be freed from the responsibilities that come with bringing children into this world.
Under the new scheme, parents will be able to request information about the creepy guy who hangs around the local school at home time with one hand down the front of his trousers offering children sweets before deciding whether to tell their children to keep away from him. Actually no they won't, they will be allowed to check if anyone who has regular unsupervised access to their child has a conviction for child sex offenses. Which is redundant, since anyone who would have regular unsupervised access to children should be being vetted by their employer anyway.
The scheme is being trialed in safe constituencies and if successful will be expanded nationally whenever the incumbent government find their poll results dropping in the 21-40 hopeless fucking mongoloids who read red tops demographic.
Apparently I never got round to taking the piss out of the last Labour Party coup. Lets start with Geoff Hoon. Despite being the son of a railway worker he nevertheless somehow attended a £10k/year private school. He spent his gap year in a furniture factory having erroneously identified it as one of Her Majesty's possessions in the Antipodes, thence to Jesus College Cambridge. A proud defender of socialism, Mr Who? was discovered to be claiming expenses on a property he was letting while occupying a grace and favour home.
He was Commissar for Defence from 1999 to 2005 which ensures his hands are soaked in blood and may explain why he has lost his mind. In 2003 he claimed that people liked being killed and that the mothers of children blown apart by British clusterbombs may one day thank the British government for murdering their kids. He publicly announced that Britain would be prepared to use nuclear weapons against Iraq and claimed that inert equipment sold to Iraq by a British company was in fact a mobile weapons laboratory even though he knew this to be false because his own experts and weapons inspectors - including the late David Kelly - had told him - and the press - that they weren't. Pretty impressive for a barrister.
Patricia Hewitt was apparently not educated anywhere although she attened a Grammar School and has masters degrees from both Oxford and Cambridge. Yes the Tory Party are absolutely shitting themselves about the danger of Labour waging a class war election campaign. During her lengthy pseudopolitical career, Hewitt careened wildly from conservativism to feminism to Bennism to egocentrism to Blairism to mememeism and eventually settled on utter fucking shitheadism.
Like many of the clueless pilchards now working to bring the Labour Party to its knees, Chewitt won her seat in the 1997 election where the Conservative Party was so hated by the mnemonically challenged British public that the Labour Party ran out of viable candidates and were forced to stand farm animals and things they'd found in skips (known colloquially as the "all women shortlist") in many constituencies.
In 1999 Chewitt introduced a new "ice cream" flavour to run alongside her established strawberry, orange and blackcurrant range. The ice cream chewitt proved popular with creepy men who hang around schools at home time, but was no longer enticing to the increasingly cosmopolitan tastes of supple naive children in the juggernaut of prosperity that was Blair's Britain.
Chewitt was named Secretary of State for Trade and Industry in 2001, a roll she ignored completely for four years in favour of the lesser office of Minister for Women, not realising that this was a largely ceremonial office which had been created to pacify Norma Major after she discovered the then Prime Minister had been secretly knocking off the Secretary of State for Eggs and Witchcraft, Edwina Currie.
As Secretary of State for Trade, Hewitt's sole action of consequence was to illegally hire a less qualified female applicant over two more qualified male applicants while Hewitt herself was also Minister for (Women and) Equality. Hewitt defended her actions claiming that legislation entitled her to deliberately appoint less qualified women for reasons of pure sexism. The judicial review disagreed. This led to the discovery of an article authored by Hewitt prior to her becoming an MP in which she plainly stated that men were not to be trusted with children because they were all potential sex offenders. Hewitt was absolved of all charges of sexism when it became apparent she was simply retarded by claiming that women who chose to devote themselves to raising their children rather than ignoring them in favour of a selfserving career were "a real problem".
Hewitt's unique and refreshing brand of eugenics resulted in her being appointed Secretary of State for Health in 2005 where she singlehandedly crashed the NHS into a big wall, winning the annual award for Ministerial Incompetence 6 times in her first 3 months. In 2006 she announced that the NHS had had it's best year ever as everybody remotely ill had died in 2005. This allowed the Department for Hell to shed thousands of nursing and ancilliary jobs, close hospitals and slash NHS trust budgets by as much as everything percent. Hewitt's mismanagement of the Health Service was in fact so abhorrent to nature that the effects propagated backwards through time making her responsible for the Labour Party adopting PFI financing for new hospitals immediately after coming to power in 1997, even though Hewitt herself had described them as "backdoor privatisation" in a statement to the house in 1993, four years before she became an MP.
Hewitt's blatent violation of the laws of physics resulted in her being roundly heckled during her speech to the Royal College of Nursing's annual congress by delegates angry at being expected to treat the victims of the 2077 nuclear holocaust which had fallen through the ever widening wormhole which circles ominously above the Department for Health.
By now Hewitt had so angered everyone who knew her name that less than 40% of NHS staff had confidence in her ability to locate her own feet while hanging her head in shame. In a desperate attempt to salvage her career, Hewitt sacked 17000 NHS staff and slashed NHS budgets with a unique broadsword called The Blade Of Reckless Irresponsibility she had found while meandering around the imaginary fantasy land she had been living in for the past 10 years.
In 2007 Hewitt discovered she had a family and resigned from the cabinet to spend more time with them now that they were grown up and no longer needed a mother. Hewitt again discovered she had a family and resigned as an MP in order to spend more time with them in 2009 after securing a number of lucrative consultancies and directorships.
3 months after Hewitt's announcement that she would be resigning as an MP to spend more time with her family, her son was arrested and charged with possession of cocaine. A spokesman for the former Secretary of State and her husband Judge Judy Hewitt said that this was a family matter as Ms Hewitt was spending more time with her family when it occured, and that it would be dealt with privately, in a criminal court.
The putsch was exactly the kind of clusterfuck you would expect when Geoff "children like being exploded" Hoon and Patricia "children like not knowing who their father is while their mother is at work" Hewitt are in charge...except they weren't in charge, and what makes this interesting is that we still aren't entirely sure who was. Certainly drivers travelling up the M1 northbound had to carry on a little further and stop at the Little Fat Duck Chef for their breakfast because Charles Clarke's burger van was in the House of Commons carpark all morning on the day of the coup being resprayed to be used as a combination battle bus and mess hall, but he's hardly a credible architect even though it bears his hallmarks of being a shit and pointless failure.
Miliband has become the journalists' favourite as the mystery supervillain, principally to allow them to reprint that picture of him holding a banana but also because of the expectation Alan "Communist Party of Great Britain" Johnson will regail himself of the opportunity to take over once Gordon has politely lost the next election. Bizarrely the bookmakers consider Ed "Continuity" Miliband to be a front runner. He at least looks like a human man, unlike his brother who looks like a malnourished alien masquerading as a public school boy, but Continuity Miliband has been an MP for less than 5 years and has only served in the cabinet since 2008, as Secretary of State for Energy, after the Department of Energy was diverged from the Department for Trade and Industry when it was given to Mandelson due to concerns that he would use the energy to power the death ray he had been developing during his absence from frontline British politics.
Speaking of Mandelson, which can only be done in hushed tones in case he hears you, I'm wondering how long it's been since anyone saw Norman Tebbit, as it appears the Red Baron, Princeps, Lord Mandelson of Stalingrad, First Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Business Invocation and Skulls, President of the Board of Trade and Lord President of the Council may have eaten his heart to gain his powers. Rumour has it that there's a bucket in the waiting room outside Mandelson's office at the Department for Fear, Anxiety, Terror, Fear, Humiliation and Fear for naughty ministers to leave their testicles, fingers and ritually dismebowled entrails, which are presumably sold on to Charles Clarke.
Finish with a joke. There's nothing worse than waking up next to a ugly girl and not being able to remember who she is and where you met her. Or why she's dead.
Sarah's Law may be expanded to allow parents to inform themselves about convicted sex offenders who may come into contact with their children. In a statement to the press, Home Secretary Alan "Communist Party of Great Britain" Johnson said "We are delighted to announce something that presumably should have been done ten years ago if indeed it is anything at all that we are doing which it isn't really but there's a general election in 4 months and recent studies have shown that Britain is full of retarded parents who are too stupid to look after their own kids and need to be freed from the responsibilities that come with bringing children into this world.
Under the new scheme, parents will be able to request information about the creepy guy who hangs around the local school at home time with one hand down the front of his trousers offering children sweets before deciding whether to tell their children to keep away from him. Actually no they won't, they will be allowed to check if anyone who has regular unsupervised access to their child has a conviction for child sex offenses. Which is redundant, since anyone who would have regular unsupervised access to children should be being vetted by their employer anyway.
The scheme is being trialed in safe constituencies and if successful will be expanded nationally whenever the incumbent government find their poll results dropping in the 21-40 hopeless fucking mongoloids who read red tops demographic.
Apparently I never got round to taking the piss out of the last Labour Party coup. Lets start with Geoff Hoon. Despite being the son of a railway worker he nevertheless somehow attended a £10k/year private school. He spent his gap year in a furniture factory having erroneously identified it as one of Her Majesty's possessions in the Antipodes, thence to Jesus College Cambridge. A proud defender of socialism, Mr Who? was discovered to be claiming expenses on a property he was letting while occupying a grace and favour home.
He was Commissar for Defence from 1999 to 2005 which ensures his hands are soaked in blood and may explain why he has lost his mind. In 2003 he claimed that people liked being killed and that the mothers of children blown apart by British clusterbombs may one day thank the British government for murdering their kids. He publicly announced that Britain would be prepared to use nuclear weapons against Iraq and claimed that inert equipment sold to Iraq by a British company was in fact a mobile weapons laboratory even though he knew this to be false because his own experts and weapons inspectors - including the late David Kelly - had told him - and the press - that they weren't. Pretty impressive for a barrister.
Patricia Hewitt was apparently not educated anywhere although she attened a Grammar School and has masters degrees from both Oxford and Cambridge. Yes the Tory Party are absolutely shitting themselves about the danger of Labour waging a class war election campaign. During her lengthy pseudopolitical career, Hewitt careened wildly from conservativism to feminism to Bennism to egocentrism to Blairism to mememeism and eventually settled on utter fucking shitheadism.
Like many of the clueless pilchards now working to bring the Labour Party to its knees, Chewitt won her seat in the 1997 election where the Conservative Party was so hated by the mnemonically challenged British public that the Labour Party ran out of viable candidates and were forced to stand farm animals and things they'd found in skips (known colloquially as the "all women shortlist") in many constituencies.
In 1999 Chewitt introduced a new "ice cream" flavour to run alongside her established strawberry, orange and blackcurrant range. The ice cream chewitt proved popular with creepy men who hang around schools at home time, but was no longer enticing to the increasingly cosmopolitan tastes of supple naive children in the juggernaut of prosperity that was Blair's Britain.
Chewitt was named Secretary of State for Trade and Industry in 2001, a roll she ignored completely for four years in favour of the lesser office of Minister for Women, not realising that this was a largely ceremonial office which had been created to pacify Norma Major after she discovered the then Prime Minister had been secretly knocking off the Secretary of State for Eggs and Witchcraft, Edwina Currie.
As Secretary of State for Trade, Hewitt's sole action of consequence was to illegally hire a less qualified female applicant over two more qualified male applicants while Hewitt herself was also Minister for (Women and) Equality. Hewitt defended her actions claiming that legislation entitled her to deliberately appoint less qualified women for reasons of pure sexism. The judicial review disagreed. This led to the discovery of an article authored by Hewitt prior to her becoming an MP in which she plainly stated that men were not to be trusted with children because they were all potential sex offenders. Hewitt was absolved of all charges of sexism when it became apparent she was simply retarded by claiming that women who chose to devote themselves to raising their children rather than ignoring them in favour of a selfserving career were "a real problem".
Hewitt's unique and refreshing brand of eugenics resulted in her being appointed Secretary of State for Health in 2005 where she singlehandedly crashed the NHS into a big wall, winning the annual award for Ministerial Incompetence 6 times in her first 3 months. In 2006 she announced that the NHS had had it's best year ever as everybody remotely ill had died in 2005. This allowed the Department for Hell to shed thousands of nursing and ancilliary jobs, close hospitals and slash NHS trust budgets by as much as everything percent. Hewitt's mismanagement of the Health Service was in fact so abhorrent to nature that the effects propagated backwards through time making her responsible for the Labour Party adopting PFI financing for new hospitals immediately after coming to power in 1997, even though Hewitt herself had described them as "backdoor privatisation" in a statement to the house in 1993, four years before she became an MP.
Hewitt's blatent violation of the laws of physics resulted in her being roundly heckled during her speech to the Royal College of Nursing's annual congress by delegates angry at being expected to treat the victims of the 2077 nuclear holocaust which had fallen through the ever widening wormhole which circles ominously above the Department for Health.
By now Hewitt had so angered everyone who knew her name that less than 40% of NHS staff had confidence in her ability to locate her own feet while hanging her head in shame. In a desperate attempt to salvage her career, Hewitt sacked 17000 NHS staff and slashed NHS budgets with a unique broadsword called The Blade Of Reckless Irresponsibility she had found while meandering around the imaginary fantasy land she had been living in for the past 10 years.
In 2007 Hewitt discovered she had a family and resigned from the cabinet to spend more time with them now that they were grown up and no longer needed a mother. Hewitt again discovered she had a family and resigned as an MP in order to spend more time with them in 2009 after securing a number of lucrative consultancies and directorships.
3 months after Hewitt's announcement that she would be resigning as an MP to spend more time with her family, her son was arrested and charged with possession of cocaine. A spokesman for the former Secretary of State and her husband Judge Judy Hewitt said that this was a family matter as Ms Hewitt was spending more time with her family when it occured, and that it would be dealt with privately, in a criminal court.
The putsch was exactly the kind of clusterfuck you would expect when Geoff "children like being exploded" Hoon and Patricia "children like not knowing who their father is while their mother is at work" Hewitt are in charge...except they weren't in charge, and what makes this interesting is that we still aren't entirely sure who was. Certainly drivers travelling up the M1 northbound had to carry on a little further and stop at the Little Fat Duck Chef for their breakfast because Charles Clarke's burger van was in the House of Commons carpark all morning on the day of the coup being resprayed to be used as a combination battle bus and mess hall, but he's hardly a credible architect even though it bears his hallmarks of being a shit and pointless failure.
Miliband has become the journalists' favourite as the mystery supervillain, principally to allow them to reprint that picture of him holding a banana but also because of the expectation Alan "Communist Party of Great Britain" Johnson will regail himself of the opportunity to take over once Gordon has politely lost the next election. Bizarrely the bookmakers consider Ed "Continuity" Miliband to be a front runner. He at least looks like a human man, unlike his brother who looks like a malnourished alien masquerading as a public school boy, but Continuity Miliband has been an MP for less than 5 years and has only served in the cabinet since 2008, as Secretary of State for Energy, after the Department of Energy was diverged from the Department for Trade and Industry when it was given to Mandelson due to concerns that he would use the energy to power the death ray he had been developing during his absence from frontline British politics.
Speaking of Mandelson, which can only be done in hushed tones in case he hears you, I'm wondering how long it's been since anyone saw Norman Tebbit, as it appears the Red Baron, Princeps, Lord Mandelson of Stalingrad, First Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Business Invocation and Skulls, President of the Board of Trade and Lord President of the Council may have eaten his heart to gain his powers. Rumour has it that there's a bucket in the waiting room outside Mandelson's office at the Department for Fear, Anxiety, Terror, Fear, Humiliation and Fear for naughty ministers to leave their testicles, fingers and ritually dismebowled entrails, which are presumably sold on to Charles Clarke.
Finish with a joke. There's nothing worse than waking up next to a ugly girl and not being able to remember who she is and where you met her. Or why she's dead.
