anicca

Today a leaflet monkey for the Liberal Democrats called me a cunt.

I have several times caught their leafleteers in the act of littering. I give them their recycling back and ask them politely to stop it, to take me off their list or do whatever it is that needs to be done such that they stop polluting my hall with garbage.

Usually I get to meet them face to face because most visitors to the tenement use our buzzer to gain entry and they are generally polite in accepting the return of their "newsletters". Today's miscreant achieved the stair by some other means, and the first indication of his presence was the introduction of a glossy turd to the £1.49/sqm lino my landlord thinks looks classy. Verily I did open my door to begin the rite of return but he was already ascending the stair to the upstairs flats, so I left his leaflet out for him to collect as he came back down and returned to my hobbie of unstitching blankets for homeless seamstresses to repair.

And lo the leaflet monkey did collect his leaflet, and did exclaim "Cunt!" in a voice audible even from within my kitchen. And the door did swing open a second time, and a voice called out from the throne enquiring "Who's a fucking cunt? Get back here you little shit" but he quickened his pace and did run away. Whereupon I realised I didn't have an address for my local candidate, because I always give his lie pamphlets back to his minions, and so had to look him up on the internet before writing to him and the candidates for the serious parties.

So all things considered, I would advise against voting for the Liberal Democrats, they're cunts.

The terrorism treat level has recently been raised from dime bar to toffee crisp in light of new intelligence indicating that a general election is highly likely in Britain in the coming months.


Sarah's Law may be expanded to allow parents to inform themselves about convicted sex offenders who may come into contact with their children. In a statement to the press, Home Secretary Alan "Communist Party of Great Britain" Johnson said "We are delighted to announce something that presumably should have been done ten years ago if indeed it is anything at all that we are doing which it isn't really but there's a general election in 4 months and recent studies have shown that Britain is full of retarded parents who are too stupid to look after their own kids and need to be freed from the responsibilities that come with bringing children into this world.

Under the new scheme, parents will be able to request information about the creepy guy who hangs around the local school at home time with one hand down the front of his trousers offering children sweets before deciding whether to tell their children to keep away from him. Actually no they won't, they will be allowed to check if anyone who has regular unsupervised access to their child has a conviction for child sex offenses. Which is redundant, since anyone who would have regular unsupervised access to children should be being vetted by their employer anyway.

The scheme is being trialed in safe constituencies and if successful will be expanded nationally whenever the incumbent government find their poll results dropping in the 21-40 hopeless fucking mongoloids who read red tops demographic.


Apparently I never got round to taking the piss out of the last Labour Party coup. Lets start with Geoff Hoon. Despite being the son of a railway worker he nevertheless somehow attended a £10k/year private school. He spent his gap year in a furniture factory having erroneously identified it as one of Her Majesty's possessions in the Antipodes, thence to Jesus College Cambridge. A proud defender of socialism, Mr Who? was discovered to be claiming expenses on a property he was letting while occupying a grace and favour home.

He was Commissar for Defence from 1999 to 2005 which ensures his hands are soaked in blood and may explain why he has lost his mind. In 2003 he claimed that people liked being killed and that the mothers of children blown apart by British clusterbombs may one day thank the British government for murdering their kids. He publicly announced that Britain would be prepared to use nuclear weapons against Iraq and claimed that inert equipment sold to Iraq by a British company was in fact a mobile weapons laboratory even though he knew this to be false because his own experts and weapons inspectors - including the late David Kelly - had told him - and the press - that they weren't. Pretty impressive for a barrister.

Patricia Hewitt was apparently not educated anywhere although she attened a Grammar School and has masters degrees from both Oxford and Cambridge. Yes the Tory Party are absolutely shitting themselves about the danger of Labour waging a class war election campaign. During her lengthy pseudopolitical career, Hewitt careened wildly from conservativism to feminism to Bennism to egocentrism to Blairism to mememeism and eventually settled on utter fucking shitheadism.

Like many of the clueless pilchards now working to bring the Labour Party to its knees, Chewitt won her seat in the 1997 election where the Conservative Party was so hated by the mnemonically challenged British public that the Labour Party ran out of viable candidates and were forced to stand farm animals and things they'd found in skips (known colloquially as the "all women shortlist") in many constituencies.

In 1999 Chewitt introduced a new "ice cream" flavour to run alongside her established strawberry, orange and blackcurrant range. The ice cream chewitt proved popular with creepy men who hang around schools at home time, but was no longer enticing to the increasingly cosmopolitan tastes of supple naive children in the juggernaut of prosperity that was Blair's Britain.

Chewitt was named Secretary of State for Trade and Industry in 2001, a roll she ignored completely for four years in favour of the lesser office of Minister for Women, not realising that this was a largely ceremonial office which had been created to pacify Norma Major after she discovered the then Prime Minister had been secretly knocking off the Secretary of State for Eggs and Witchcraft, Edwina Currie.

As Secretary of State for Trade, Hewitt's sole action of consequence was to illegally hire a less qualified female applicant over two more qualified male applicants while Hewitt herself was also Minister for (Women and) Equality. Hewitt defended her actions claiming that legislation entitled her to deliberately appoint less qualified women for reasons of pure sexism. The judicial review disagreed. This led to the discovery of an article authored by Hewitt prior to her becoming an MP in which she plainly stated that men were not to be trusted with children because they were all potential sex offenders. Hewitt was absolved of all charges of sexism when it became apparent she was simply retarded by claiming that women who chose to devote themselves to raising their children rather than ignoring them in favour of a selfserving career were "a real problem".

Hewitt's unique and refreshing brand of eugenics resulted in her being appointed Secretary of State for Health in 2005 where she singlehandedly crashed the NHS into a big wall, winning the annual award for Ministerial Incompetence 6 times in her first 3 months. In 2006 she announced that the NHS had had it's best year ever as everybody remotely ill had died in 2005. This allowed the Department for Hell to shed thousands of nursing and ancilliary jobs, close hospitals and slash NHS trust budgets by as much as everything percent. Hewitt's mismanagement of the Health Service was in fact so abhorrent to nature that the effects propagated backwards through time making her responsible for the Labour Party adopting PFI financing for new hospitals immediately after coming to power in 1997, even though Hewitt herself had described them as "backdoor privatisation" in a statement to the house in 1993, four years before she became an MP.

Hewitt's blatent violation of the laws of physics resulted in her being roundly heckled during her speech to the Royal College of Nursing's annual congress by delegates angry at being expected to treat the victims of the 2077 nuclear holocaust which had fallen through the ever widening wormhole which circles ominously above the Department for Health.

By now Hewitt had so angered everyone who knew her name that less than 40% of NHS staff had confidence in her ability to locate her own feet while hanging her head in shame. In a desperate attempt to salvage her career, Hewitt sacked 17000 NHS staff and slashed NHS budgets with a unique broadsword called The Blade Of Reckless Irresponsibility she had found while meandering around the imaginary fantasy land she had been living in for the past 10 years.

In 2007 Hewitt discovered she had a family and resigned from the cabinet to spend more time with them now that they were grown up and no longer needed a mother. Hewitt again discovered she had a family and resigned as an MP in order to spend more time with them in 2009 after securing a number of lucrative consultancies and directorships.

3 months after Hewitt's announcement that she would be resigning as an MP to spend more time with her family, her son was arrested and charged with possession of cocaine. A spokesman for the former Secretary of State and her husband Judge Judy Hewitt said that this was a family matter as Ms Hewitt was spending more time with her family when it occured, and that it would be dealt with privately, in a criminal court.


The putsch was exactly the kind of clusterfuck you would expect when Geoff "children like being exploded" Hoon and Patricia "children like not knowing who their father is while their mother is at work" Hewitt are in charge...except they weren't in charge, and what makes this interesting is that we still aren't entirely sure who was. Certainly drivers travelling up the M1 northbound had to carry on a little further and stop at the Little Fat Duck Chef for their breakfast because Charles Clarke's burger van was in the House of Commons carpark all morning on the day of the coup being resprayed to be used as a combination battle bus and mess hall, but he's hardly a credible architect even though it bears his hallmarks of being a shit and pointless failure.

Miliband has become the journalists' favourite as the mystery supervillain, principally to allow them to reprint that picture of him holding a banana but also because of the expectation Alan "Communist Party of Great Britain" Johnson will regail himself of the opportunity to take over once Gordon has politely lost the next election. Bizarrely the bookmakers consider Ed "Continuity" Miliband to be a front runner. He at least looks like a human man, unlike his brother who looks like a malnourished alien masquerading as a public school boy, but Continuity Miliband has been an MP for less than 5 years and has only served in the cabinet since 2008, as Secretary of State for Energy, after the Department of Energy was diverged from the Department for Trade and Industry when it was given to Mandelson due to concerns that he would use the energy to power the death ray he had been developing during his absence from frontline British politics.

Speaking of Mandelson, which can only be done in hushed tones in case he hears you, I'm wondering how long it's been since anyone saw Norman Tebbit, as it appears the Red Baron, Princeps, Lord Mandelson of Stalingrad, First Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Business Invocation and Skulls, President of the Board of Trade and Lord President of the Council may have eaten his heart to gain his powers. Rumour has it that there's a bucket in the waiting room outside Mandelson's office at the Department for Fear, Anxiety, Terror, Fear, Humiliation and Fear for naughty ministers to leave their testicles, fingers and ritually dismebowled entrails, which are presumably sold on to Charles Clarke.

Finish with a joke. There's nothing worse than waking up next to a ugly girl and not being able to remember who she is and where you met her. Or why she's dead.

So Hollyoaks pulled a storyline about two girls bullying someone to death because Denise Bulger is a negligent parent who still hasn't come to terms with her getting her son killed 17 years after the event and needs to scream and shout and blame everyone she can think of for her son's misadventure in case anyone ever starts thinking about it and realises that Jamie Bulger would still be alive if it wasn't for his mother's willful neglect.

Obviously I don't watch Hollyoaks for the same reason I don't watch Blue Peter, but it does seem to do a reasonable job of addressing serious issues for an adolescent audience. Thank you, Denise, for denying anyone this may have helped the opportunity. Apparently being a high profile child abuser grants you the right to censor national media regardless of its content. Jamie Bulger was not bullied to death, he was left to die by a mother who didn't care. Not that Denise Bulger's shortcomings are in any way unique, an increasing number of parents are woefully inadequate with woefully inadequate children raised as a consequence. Anywhere else in the kingdom animalia such people would be food, and nothing more.

Contrast Denise Bulger with the Reverend Boxall, whose daughter actually was bullied to death, and whose public statements have been remarkable for their compassion towards her tormentors. Children bully each other constantly, it is unpleasant but it appears to be normal, for want of a better word. Whether it is natural or a product of society is an open question, but it is certainly commonplace. I would not care to speculate on the number of children considering suicide as a solution to being bullied beyond the observation that the number appears to be growing. Perhaps a popular television show could have offered them some solace or helped their bullies realise the gravity of their misconduct, but the opportunity is forfeit.


The one in the middle is generally the shortest and most glib. Cheques are to be phased out by 2018 if a suitable alternative exists. It won't, we don't need a suitable alternative because cheques do everything we need them to, this is a fucking stupid idea. We've had cheques for centuries because they work. But hey, money doesn't exist anyway so why piss about pretending it does, just accept that money is numbers in the collective imagination and let them be shuffled around by a computer operated by a retard.


A think tank with a meaningless name I've already forgotten has wasted a crapload of time and money discovering that cleaners and childminders add considerably more value per pound they are paid than bankers and accountants, who's value added is actually negative.

Well fucking duh.

We live in a very special kind of meritocracy, where merit is defined as your ability to exploit rather than your ability to contribute or produce. Those who produce do not reap the benefits of their production, because they do not own it. If a cleaner is adding ten times the value of his remuneration, then at the other end of the spectrum someone is getting those nine tenths for nothing other than his ownership of the cleaner's labour.

The most surprising thing about Das Kapital was that it had to be written, but as Marx himself observed, the value of labour is unclear in a slaveowning society, where labour is essentially free. Nobody asks what value the lawnmower adds, the lawnmower is the tool of the gardener. It is the gardener who adds value by using his lawnmower, as it is the slaveowner who adds value by using his slaves. It wasn't until the mechanism of labour ceased to be property that the value of labour became apparent. To quote a prominent American entrepreneur, "I don't want to own a yacht but I want to rent one from time to time; if it flies, fucks or floats, rent it!". Whether we are owned slaves or rented slaves, we are still slaves.

The cleaner is a major contributor to the creation of wealth. Sanitary conditions mean people are healthier and live longer, they can be more productive for longer. Like the Golgafrinchans, we are interdependent; teachers need doctors, cleaners and carpenters; doctors need carpenters, teachers and cleaners; cleaners need teachers, carpenters and doctors; and carpenters need cleaners, doctors and teachers. Ignoring the obvious question of who needs estate agents, management consultants and bankers, everyone needs everyone else. If we were all teachers, or all doctors, or all cleaners, or all carpenters, we would all be fucked.

So why is a doctor worth more than a teacher? or a teacher worth more than a carpenter? or a carpenter worth more than a cleaner? Because we are still barbarians.

Bollocks.

Observation of red light is not the same as observation of red shift and the separation of objects caused by the expansion of space is not the same as their separation caused by motion through space.

The Andromeda galaxy does not "fill the sky", the disc has an apparent diameter of approximately 3 degrees, the bulge has an apparent diameter of roughly 0.25 degrees and an apparent magnitude of 4.4. Barely brighter than Ganymede, and totally invisible unless you're up a hill in the middle of nowhere. M31 is not going to collide with our Galaxy in 5 billion years, it is going to collide with our Galaxy in 2.5 billion years, assuming it collides at all on its present pass which isn't certain.

Our Sun will indeed evolve into a red giant, however it will not evolve into a red dwarf. The ultimate fate of our Sun is a white dwarf.

None of this has anything to do with God, and I have no idea why you would want to waste your opening remarks in a debate on the existence of God by stating facts which are false and demonstrating how little you understand elementary cosmological concepts.

Good day to you sir.

The government has decided that 1.7 million more youngsters need to be taking degrees and apprenticeships.

Obviously this ignores the fact that thousands of students are still without their student loans but that's hardly the government's fault because student loans were semiquangoed 20 years ago and most people don't realise the student loans company is a non-departmental public body. The People Who Own You would be obliged if you also ignore the Thatcheresque unemployment we're currently enjoying and in return I won't emphasise the obvious asymmetric class war manifest in this nonsensica.

Rather than shepherding more students into higher education to improve their skills, perhaps we could instead concentrate on ensuring that every child can read, write and do sums by the time they leave school. Obviously critical thinking and problem solving skills would be a bonus but then they'd stop buying consumer electronics on credit and would grow up to be freethinking anarchists. Uncivilization would crumble and the human race would begin to evolve. This is clearly not going to get Peter Mandelson on the board of a multinational banking conglomerate.

How does a 3 year bachelor of media studies degree add value to the recipient, or the economy at large? With very few exceptions, virtually nobody uses their degree, because their degree has virtually no utility. So why is it essential that more people have them?

These are not idle questions, they require answers, answers which cannot be supplied. We are therefore required to restate as fact. The vast majority of degrees do not add value to their recipients or the economy. Quite the opposite, since around 6.5 to 8% of the working life is wasted in lecture theatres, tutorials and bed.

More and more people are being funnelled into higher education, many studying useless subjects simply to have a degree in something, anything, on the understanding that it will ensure them a better paid job in the end. As a consequence of this, either (i) more graduate jobs need to be created as a percentage of all jobs or (ii) graduates must fill nongraduate jobs.

Were we to pursue the former alternative, creating more graduate jobs as a percentage of all jobs, the economy would crash into the sea almost overnight. Every white shirt means one less blue shirt doing actual work. The value of a commodity is the value of the raw materials plus the value of the work necessary to transform the raw materials into the commodity. The carpenter takes the wood and turns it into a table.

But instead of having six carpenters we have five carpenters and one manager. Instead of having five carpenters and one manager we have four carpenters, one manager and one director of sales. Then three carpenters one manager, one assistant manager and one director of sales. Two carpenters, one manager, one assistant manager, one director of sales and one product development analyst. One carpenter, one manager, one assistant manager, one director of sales, one product development analyst, one media events coordinator, one strategy consultant and no carpenters.

At the end of the day, all we've done is turn wood into tables. Except we haven't, because we have no carpenters.

Since there is obviously a graduate saturation point, graduates will have to occupy nongraduate jobs. As this has been happening for some time, it appears we reached the saturation point long ago and the last thing we need is more graduates. Many jobs that clearly do not require a bachelor of media studies to discharge them have been rebranded. Because we have an excess of graduates, employers now seek graduates for increasingly minor roles. The same calibre of employee is taken on as would always have been taken on, except now he has a degree. He does the same work he would always have done, except now he has a degree. If we pay him more for the same work because he has a degree, then we are losing money because we are paying more for the work than it is worth. If we pay him the same as we would have done anyway his degree is wasted, and we are again losing money because 3 manyears of potential productivity has been squandered.

So why does the government, every government, want more people to go to university?

Debt.

In part 2, professor mikey will examine the dichotomy of students being required to pay for their education when their education is supposed to benefit everyone; why student debt is essential to ensuring young people are invested in the capitalist system; and where money actually comes from.

Israel have found a boat full of weapons they claim were destined for the "terrorist" group Hezbollah, on the very same day that the General Assembly is debating the Goldstone report...

This is my sixth season playing with my current club. Three seasons, including this one, have been spent in the premier division. The other three seasons have been spent in the first division, which we've won twice. Go us.

With 1.5/2 I have the best score for my team thus far, with a win against an 1835 and a draw against a 2039. Curiously enough, the previous two seasons spent in the prem, I have been the highest scoring player for my team, playing on average 74pts above my rating. The three seasons spent in the first division, I've been the best player once, and have also been 4th and 5th. Decidedly average, and on average, 37pts below my rating.

So far this year I'm playing more than 300pts above my rating, but one might argue that the sample size is insignificant :o)

In his capacity as honorary Fitz-Wattle of the Duke of Edinburgh Award, the Earl has assured us that young boys sign up to this pointless scheme specifically because they might die. This presents a problem for satirists such as myself as it's difficult to lampoon such a ludicrous statement without making reference to the aforementioned newt fancier.

It seems almost as stupid as he is to try and actually frame his more embarrassing misadventures in neat flowing prose, so I'll just list them instead

- It's A Royal Knockout

- The press conference following It's A Royal Knockout

- Not getting kicked in the face by a horse repeatedly until he looked moderately human

- Ardent Television

- Andrew Lloyd Webber

We might also observe that when he married, the Queen chose to bestow upon him the title Earl of Wessex, breaking with the tradition that the children of the monarch are dukes for reasons known only to herself. The last person to hold this title did so for 13 years before being shot in the face and killed.

Edward has been Earl of Wessex for 10 years...

Someone tell me if this already exists.

You have two squares with one common corner, lets call them ACBD and DEFG. If a square is constructed with C and E (the corners of each square that are nearest to each other) at opposite corners, the third corner of the square is the centre point of a line drawn between B and F (the most distant corners of the two initial squares). Same is also true of a square made with A and G at opposite corners.

I'd be surprised if this was a new discovery, the Greeks were mad for this kind of shit, but I add it to the list of interesting mathsy things I've discovered to infuriate my mathematician friends who've never had an original thought in their lives ;)

Over the last 17100 hands I am now stuck 1400BB, the odds on a downswing this are now 60:1

I had broken even for about 1000 hands, but of course I got dealt aces twice as the game was breaking, and lost two full buyins with them to 74s and ATo respectively. 74s could have done me substantially more damage if he hadn't been such a massive idiot. ATo vomited money at me and backdoored a flush with his ten.

The last couple of days have had a disgusting number of backdoor flushes and gutshot straights in them. I've obviously offended some manner of minor deity.